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By on Oct 24, 2011

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I taught my first “professional” yoga class since Zoe’s birth last week and I was totally shaken. As I walked out of the house, leaving Zoe in the arms of my mother, a single tear rolled down my cheeks (well actually a few tears). What was I doing leaving the comforts and safety of the home I’ve built to subject myself to the discomforts of my old life.

I haven’t figured out what it is about motherhood that has left me tender to the touch. The person that I spent 29 years trying to perfect has been stripped down to the barest foundation in just 8.5 short months.
Since the onslaught of motherhood, I haven’t had to make any public speeches, nor direct the attention of a large crowd. I haven’t planned any large events or hosted in fancy soirees. I haven’t attended a million networking events where I’ve forced myself to feign interest at the topic on hand. In fact, I think my social skills might need a bit of pruning, shaping and dusting. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’ve spent my life being disingenuis. I’m simply wondering if the skill set that I’ve worked so hard to develop through years of schooling and real life experience suits the new me. The perspective that I have of life and of myself has changed so drastically over the last few months. I’ve never had a self-inflated view of myself or the life I should lead. But after bringing a new life into this world, and then being charged with caring and nurturing it, it has forced me to challenge my previous views of self and my niche in this world.
Suddenly I’m uncertain about the who, what, when where’s and how’s of life knowing that my footsteps will be analyzed and possibly emmulated by my baby girl. My need to build a solid foundation that is authentic is now my foremost concern.
look at what my values and ideas of life what I am cautious of once clinged to so heavily has now
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By on Oct 17, 2011

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It was love at first sight but also the look I gave her promised that I would always be there to protect her. Well protect her as best I can and whenever possible. I’m slowly learning that some promises can prove themselves unrealistic or just too idealic.

I can count the number of hours that Zoe has been away from me. And I can divide those hours down to the minute respectively between her Papa, Grandma and Great Aunts. We’re inseperable…almost too inseperable and now it’s proving to be troublesome.
I was offered a position as a yoga instructor at a fitness center. The Amina in me jumped at the opportunity. The conversation went something like this:
Fitness Director: Wah wah wahha wahhha wahhh wah
Me: “Yes I’m available to teach yoga classes
Fitness Director: Waah wahha wahhaa whah awahhha
Me: “Oh Evening classes are Perfect!”
Fitness Director: Wwa aa waaaah waaaahhh waha
Me: Hmmm….afternoon classes might be a challenge because I have an infant
Fitness Director: Waaah wahha wahh
Me: Hell No I’m not leaving my baby with a stranger…(or should I).
Okay so maybe I didn’t blurt out the last line. But that’s what I was thinking. My protective self just couldn’t leave Zoe with a stranger. What if they let her crawl on a dirty floor? Suppose they let her fall off the couch or some other elevated surface? What if they ignore her cries for affection? What if they cough in her face and get her sick? I know that you’re suppose to interview sitters and such, but the OCD momma in me won’t let me even take the first step.
So what am I getting at? I guess I’m wondering if I’ll ever get to the point where I’m okay with letting Zo-zo spend time with others for the sake of rediscovering the Amina in this Momma Mina/Baby Zoe relationship. I’m sure it’s healthy for us to both get some space, I definitely don’t want to be a hovering Momma Bear, but I think it might take a concerted effort on both of our parts to pry ourselves away from each other. This past Saturday I had a lovely time hanging out with my sister, while Phil hung out with the Zo-ster. When I returned home, he said she wouldn’t let him put her down. And then I thought about whether or not I even choose to sit her down on her own. Have I created a baby monster?
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