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Overachiever Gone Bad

By on Jun 18, 2011

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You know how fruit just turns on you when you least expect it. I have a million apples in my fridge storage compartment for the moments when I’m craving something quick and healthy. They are typically ripe when I put them away, but by the time I decide to indulge they’ve just gone bad. It seems I missed my window.

So that “Man, I just wasted another good piece of fruit that I paid for and now there is one less piece of fruit that a starving kid could have enjoyed that is going to waste” feeling is plaguing me now. I’m starting to feel that way about the music career that I so desperately am trying to cling to in my Mommyhood. In all honesty, gone are the days of late night redesvous with my hand tightly wrapped around a mic, I’m just too tired to stay up passed 10:30 p.m. Gone is my crew of go-to musicians, their fading into the distance as I scramble to fill my days with playdates and educational things for Zoe to ignore. And Gone is the die hard desire to search out gigs high and low paying (most of which were low), because frankly I’d rather hang out with Zoe or get a good dose of quality time with my hubby before bed.
So what’s my issue…its just that sometimes I think back on what I started, an uphill battle towards stardom, and I feel like I stopped midway and am now rolling back down hill. Although, I did it moreso to be heard and not for the sake of stardom never did it for the stardom, just feeling the need to be heard. In fact, the most fun I had during my entire career was recording my first album in the studio. I was able to let loose and just enjoy the music that me and my band was making without the eyes, and clinking of glasses, and the undertone of conversations. It was great. But I can’t help feeling that the new me has changed so much that I just can’t be what I used to be. I just don’t have the drive that I used to have…I’ve gone bad.
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By on Jun 5, 2011

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This evening Phil and I went to a gathering at a friends house. Yes gathering is what you call it when there isn’t a DJ and the chit-chat is about what’s happening at work and in your romantic and spiritual life. LOL! It’s qualified when people ask follow-up questions.

So yes, we went out this evening and we dragged little Miss Zoe along. She’s such a good baby sometimes that I would actually consider cloning her. It’s strange, I know, but when you meet a baby that is chill enough to let you have multiple conversations sometimes you just want to duplicate it. I’d like to think that it’s in part due to Phil and my parental instruction.
While at this gathering I had a couple glasses of red wine and it’s truly amazing how a little red wine will just chill you completely out. In place of my initial 8 p.m. exhaustion I discovered some good conversation and a few good jokes, even if I was the one cracking the jokes and laughing at them.
I’m not sure where this blog entry is going. After all, it is 1 a.m. in the morning, which is practically dawn in my world. I guess I’m trying to say that I’m finding me again. :-) I mean, I was never totally lost, but I’ve had this whole new layer of self added to my being and it’s called Mommy. As a result the original me had gone unnoticed for a while. It’s refreshing to see myself outside of motherhood on occasion. Of course I’m more accepting of this perspective when Zoe is asleep (a Mommy has got responsibilities), but I’m willing to let the old me out on occasion.
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