Firstly, Phil and I went on our “first” date since Zoe’s debut. We’ve had a few nights that we “called” dates, but really Zoe had just fallen asleep before us. Because of our hot date night, (a trip to the theatre to see a spritely Peter Pan), my Mother kept Zoe for us. This was the “first” time that anyone outside of Phil or I had kept Zoe for any amount of time. We tried to stick to the script and talk only of things between he and I, but watching a play about a boy who coerces a little girl to leave her family behind and become a Momma made that kind of difficult. So a conversation about keeping Zoe away from spritely boys quickly ensued.
The next morning, when Zoe awoke she had a cold for the “first time.” I almost died! My baby girl was a snotty mess and while she tried to smile through the mucousy sneezes, I could see the pain behind her eyes, (wiping the tears from my eyes and sniffling). No, but in all seriousness, it was hard for me to see her sick. What did I do wrong? For the first time since Zoe’s birth I thought that I was a bad Momma. While I was out gallivanting, Zoe was battling vicious soldier germs that wanted to take over her body. My own Momma felt horrible and while consoling myself I had to also console her. I mean, it takes more than an evening for a cold to develop; the ownness was on me.
And then, the “first time” of all “first times” presented itself just a day later. Philip, my husband, Zoe’s father, the Man in Charge, the Zeus of our abode announced that it was time for Zoe to sleep in her crib… in her own room…alone!!! The walls came crashing down on me. “Sleep where?” I said “Why?”I cried.” And yes I cried. It was too soon for me. After all Zoe is only 4 months. It’s not like she slept in the bed with us either. She always slept in her co-sleeper and it was so wonderful to have my whole family in one room. And now my Zo-meister, my Zo-inator, my Cupcake, my Sugar Plum, my Sweet Pea, my Angel Face, my Chunky Monkey was getting the BOOT!
These “first time” events were more than a new Momma could handle and I had a little melt-down. Well, a few melt-downs. Why did it feel like, all of a sudden, Zoe didn’t need me anymore? I mean, if my Mom could keep Zoe for a few hours, that means she can do all the things that I do for Zoe. And as for that cold, there was nothing that I could do to take it away; it had to run it’s course. And finally, the room separation!
Zoe slept perfectly fine that night. She didn’t even notice where she was when she woke up. So already I’m starting to feel a little useless, a little less like the center of my baby girl’s world. I had no idea that when folks would say “enjoy it while it lasts because before you know it they will be grown” that the growing up and apart started as soon as 4 months of age.
Mommas how do you cope with change? What do you tell yourself when the “first times” become the everyday?